Bryant Lake Park (Eden Prairie, MN)

Photos and commentary below are for the third match in three weeks between the rejuvenated Mark Ehling and myself at Eden Prairie’s pay course at Bryant Lake Park (BLP).

From what we can tell, it is free during weekdays and early weekend mornings, and the standard $3 round / $5 day on weekends.

Mark had played outstanding in our first two matches there in June, while I turned in some dismal performances: 59 to 67 and 59 to 72.

Last week's match (July 3rd) at Bryant Lake Park was a minor classic though.

Conditions:
Temp: high 70s
Wind: minimal
Bugs: nil

My gesture in the below photograph, of course, refers to the hole number, not some delusional sense of self regarding my OJDGR (Official Jag Disc Golf Ranking).



Note: By the way, I will be posting the First Installment of the OJDGR data, culled from the best available information, including Jag posts provided on this site.

While most of the holes at BLP are out of the woods, they are mostly all bordered by woods (unlike say, the pay course in Madison, I forget the name).

The course is listed as Par 60 from the pro tees, though this is very generous (12 3’s and 6 4’s). I would say it is more of a true 56 or 57 tops.

Hole one is a straight shot of 398 feet – though Mark has crossed over two fairways to the right on his drive here. Today we both made par 3 (which is a birdie according to the scorecard, but it's a par 3).




Hole two is a one of the many anhyzer holes at BLP – 305 feet out, though the anhyzer is only very slight on this one.




Mark double-bogeyed this hole to stake me to a 2-stroke lead, probably my biggest lead against him since Madison, as he’s been on a rampage.

Hole 3 is short (246) but a bit tricky – you can either try a long drive with an anhzyer tail or try to sneak through the patch of trees just 30-40 feet at the right. We’ve both done that successfully.




You can get a better view of the gap here. Also, don’t be fooled by Ehling’s Lew Ford Twins jersey. This guy isn’t a scrappy player anymore – he can deliver some real bombs (see Hole 5 below).




Mark bogeyed Hole 3 while I made par again, so now Senior Jag is up 3 strokes on Minneapolis’ lauded new filmmaker (seriously everyone, Mark’s debut film “How To Live Better” is pure cinematic perfection).

Hole 4 is listed at 261, though I think it’s quite a bit shorter – the pin is tucked away between the trees between the two paths.




The hole is noteworthy only if you go right on your drive, then you end up in ‘jail’ below the basket like I did on mine. (I clanked my birdie putt from here):




Hole 5, at 432 feet, is the 4th longest on the course, and is listed as a par 4, though it’s really a 3.4, so I’d round it down to 3. The pin is across the green field, and tucked between the second patch of big trees way down yonder.




Mark BOOMED his drive – which we both reckon was the longest of his life. The disc actually ended up about 20 feet past the pin.




Unfortunately, Mark missed his (birdie, technically eagle) putt, and we both made 3s.

Hole 6 is an uphill, anhyzer hole that’s pretty short (232). The hole is reachable in theory, but if you put too much anhyzer on it, you’ll be in a bunch of trees on the right. If you end up on the left, you face a Cliff of Death. (There are about 4 holes with Cliffs of Death on this course). Basically, you could roll 100+ feet down to the lake.




We both got 3s, so 1/3 of the way through the round I’m at Even and Mark is +3 (counting par 3s).

Here’s a lovely view from the teebox at 7, though in the opposite direction of the pin.



The pin at 7 is 416 feet away, with a Cliff of Death on the left, and placed on the top of the ‘pyramid’ way in the distance. The crappy green anti-erosion matt on the near fairway is super slick, and I have wiped out twice on this so far this year (including on this round, leading to a 6).



Here is a view from the base of the ‘pyramid’ – Mark got up and in in 3 strokes. I had a triple 6 (though listed as par 4). Thus endeth my lead.




Hole 8 is a doozy that has given both of us fits, particularly Mark. This is one of many holes with blind drives. In fact, frequently our second shot on this hole (listed as par 4, 487 feet), is also blind.




Due to the blindness of the shots, combined with the hills, the rough and trees on the right, and the woods and steep drop on the left, we often have to spend 5+ minutes searching for our drives on this hole. We both got 5s on this occasion.

Hole 9 is one of the few boring holes – 309 feet and pretty much a straight shot out at the top of the hill.




I bogeyed it, so, after 9 holes it was Ehling 32, Eric 33.

Hole 10 starts things off with a very fun hyzer downhill, at just 301 feet, so it is very reachable.




The back 9 has 3 true birdie holes, and I finally landed one on this Hole 10 with a 30+ foot putt with my (still very rough) ‘pro’ putting stroke. (Do I look happy?).



(Yes, I've got a boo-boo on my elbow. Not a disc-golf injury, though).

Hole 11 is another birdie hole. While listed at 277, and it seems short enough (also downhill), Mark and I have never reached the pin on our drives (the pin is straight ahead, down the hill).



Hole 12 is probably the most difficult holes in the 300-399 feet range on the course: THICK woods on the left, and a couple well-placed trees directly on the fairway.



Mark bogeyed the hole, which put me up one…a lead that would hold going down to the wire at Hole 18 (foreshadowing…).

Hole 13 is a pesky, pesky 177-foot anyzher, downhill hole. I believe neither Mark nor myself has birdied the hole to date, and I know I’ve bogeyed and doubled it. It is very tempting to anhyzer the drive, but there is zero room for error, as there is thick woods to the right, short of the pin. So, you’re best off just throwing straight or even tailing left, and landing 30-50 feet away for a long putt.




Hole 14 is a 352-foot, not too remarkable hole, although there is a swamp on the left if you shank it, and pretty thick woods on the right as well.




At this point you have to walk about 2 minutes to get to the “back 4” holes which are in a different section of the park.

Hole 15 is an easy par 3 (that we rarely birdie) at 235 feet, though uphill. The pin is basically straight past the trees in the center of the (gravel) fairway.



Hole 16 is a very fun hyzer hole (214 feet). However, if you release late, and end up in the woods on the right – good luck, as it’s another Cliff of Death. Just follow the gravel path…



…and you will end up by “The Rock.” Here you see my drive and Mark’s 2nd shot. We both ended up with 3s.



Which brings us to the “Granddaddy hole” of BLP – hole 17. The hole Ander would love to make his b*tch. At 542 feet (I think this underestimates the distance), the tee is placed on the top of a cliff, from which you descend 114 steps to the bottom (we counted). The pin is across a road, past the green field in the distance, and up a 3 of 4 ‘platform’ pyramid, similar (though smaller) than Hole 7.



If you should ever jag this drive short in John Deere fashion, you will be in the midst of several trees:



This is listed as Par 4, and we both got 4s. So, heading into hole 18, it’s Eric with a 1-stroke lead over Mark.

Hole 18 is long and uphill (434) and listed as a par 4. One of 2 or 3 legitimate par 4s on the course.



Mark shanked his drive a tad right, though rather far, and I was short but straight. Mark then found Aladdin’s lamp and pulled out the approach of his life, landing just 12 or so feet short of the pin. My second shot was decent, but 50 feet out from the pin, landing on more of that erosion mesh.

It would have been smart for me to go up and in for a 4, forcing a tie and a playoff. But...I went for it, and slipped on the mesh a bit and left myself 20 feet. I ended up with a 5, with Mark still sitting at 2 needing to putt in for victory.

Mark had many false starts with his high-pressure putt, as the wind kicked up just as he was about to release. Eventually, he settled down and scooped it in the basket for a victory-clinching 3.

Final scores:

Mark: 61
Eric: 62

Addendum: We played the course yesterday morning (July 12th) at 8 am as well. Similar story, except we both sucked, tying at 68 in regulation (with Eric again blowing a 1-stroke lead on 18). Mark won on the 3rd playoff hole.

Eric’s record vs. Mark in 2009 thus far (for 18 and 9 hole courses): 2-10 (with Mark winning 10 in a row).

EIU Disc Golf Course in Charleston, IL

I drove 50 miles a couple weeks ago to play this course. First, the specs:

• Built in 2007
• 9 holes (3 under 300 feet, 4 between 300 and 400 ft, 2 over 400 ft)
• Total length = 3450 ft
• Nice baskets, concrete tee pads
• Trash cans at every tee
• Very nice signs with distance and picture of hole at each tee
• Well maintained
• Boring, flat "landscape" with scattered trees
• Walking paths and small roads border some holes and are O.B.
• No nearby parking.
• The course is difficult due to length, trees in your way, and wind.
  
• I'd rate the course at 2.5/4.0 amongst 9-hole courses, much lower compared to real 18-hole courses. I'll play it again.

The course does have some minor design flaws. One tee pad was about 20 feet behind the basket on the previous hole.



On another hole, picnic tables bordered the green.



The proximity of a couple walking paths was also a little annoying. But none of this was an issue as there were few people out and about, and no other players on the course for the 90 minutes I was there late on a Sunday morning.

The locals like their cheap beer, and I can admire that.



As I walked up to the first tee, I was greeted by a nice mailbox stocked with hundreds of fresh score cards (no pencils).



The scorecards had a cool real-photo map of the course.



There's no getting lost on this course. Nevertheless, rather than playing a first round, I more or less walked the course and tried some practice shots. The wind was furious that day. As I'm terrible in anything but perfect conditions (dry, 72 degrees, partly sunny (or maybe partly cloudy), low pollen count, shoes slightly broken-in, no tag on my t-shirt, and--this is important--definitely no wind) I'm in for a tough round. I'll be putting hard and throwing my overstable Firebird.

Ok, practice over. My score-keeping round begins. I walk up to the first tee. There's a nice map of the hole carved and painted on rock.



The fairway looks long in the wind. The road on the left is O.B. but doesn't really come into play thanks to a line of trees. This fairway gives you a sense of the course:



This green is typical--tucked into a clump of trees:



I take a bogey after a short drive into a headwind and a shaky approach.

Total: +1

By the way, I'm ignoring the course pars and playing them as par threes, of course.

Hole 2 is the easiest hole. 231 feet. Little hyzer. Basket under a tree. I've got no wind skills and get a par.

Total: +1

Hole 3 is tough by virtue of its distance.



There's a walking path along the entire left side of the fairway. The picture above doesn't really show how much the fairway curves to the left. It is tempting to throw one close to the path and let it curve along with it. But the O.B. line is a magnet. Before the round, my practice throw here lands on the path.

I play it more conservatively now, but am left with a 250 foot approach. Bogey.

Total: +2

Here's a shot of the hole-3 basket sitting atop the only "hill" on the course:



Hole 4 forces you to throw 318 feet from one side of a walking path to the other, into a line of trees. Pretty straightforward. Par.

Total: +2

Hole 5 is tough. 375 ft straight, but with a line of trees about 2/3 of the way down the fairway, one of which obscures your view of the hole.



My drive falls right in front of the center tree making my 130 foot approach shot very difficult:



I miss a 30-footer for par. In the wind, I'm not making anything over 20 feet this day. The wind actually broke a branch off of the tree next to me and it came crashing down while I was trying to putt here. Bogey.

Total: +3

Hole 6 is similar to 5. There's a theme emerging. "Hey, let's put the fairway right here so that this tree is exactly in the middle of it." You can see the problem on the tee-sign:



The tree is gangling, but still forces you to throw a hyzer or an-hyzer, which cuts down on my distance big-time:



I tried an anhyzer, but the wind took my poorly-thrown disc straight up in the air and plopped it down about 150 feet in front of the tee. Hang time: 8 seconds.

My approach (second drive) did not penetrate the sentinel-like trees:



I got a bad bounce off of one of the trees and then missed the putt. Bogey.

Total: +4

Hole 7 is the shortest on the course:



But this is no gimme birdie. First of all there's another damned tree directly in front of the tee pad (did I really give this course 2.5/4.0?). Second, the basket is nowhere to be found. After walking about 40 feet to the side, I finally spot it directly behind the trunk of a tree. Di-rectly. This basket is no more than five feet from the trunk. I am surprised by the recorded aces on this hole than on any other. I just don't see how that disc can get around that tree without passing up the basket. Must be one really nice sweeping hyzer. Here's the picture:



I go way wide and par it.

Total: +4

Hole 8 is long. Oh, yeah, and there's a wall of trees in the way of your drive. You can throw a clear drive, just not in the direction of the basket.



I get through the trees and battle the wind in an open field. I surprise myself by putting together three 250 footish throws that give me a drop-in bogey. There's also an O.B. road next to this basket:



Total: +5

Hole 9 is probably the best hole. The fairway crosses a road (small, little used, no cars) and a walking path and enters a bunch of trees. Lots of trees on this hole.



The basket is tucked in nicely behind left-field.



My drive sucks. 200 feet. Straight. Stays on my side of the road. My approach hits the first branch of the nearest tree. I'm being mocked. I have a 75 foot shot for par, mostly clear. I look at the trees and fence behind the pin and then go for it with my shark. The trees keep the wind at bay. Somehow it goes in for my par.

Total: +5



I'll be playing this course again when it's not windy and I've added some distance to my drive. But I fear that par will still be out of reach for me.

Hyland Ski & Snowboard (sans photos)

Jags,

My first post here will unfortunately be photo-free, but I had to write about the round Mark Ehling (who 30%+ of you know) and I played today. (photos forthcoming on future posts)

It was at the Hyland Ski & Snowboard course -- which, if you saw Leonard's video link, was the Sunday round of the Minnesota Majestic tournament (that had the playoff between "the kid" and some other guy). The course is not to be confused with the 9-hole Highland Park in St. Paul (which Leonard has played).

Here is a link to some basic stats: http://www.dgcoursereview.com/course.php?id=307

There was only time for one round as they were closing the course at noon. They actually let us in for free (it's $3 round or $5 day normally). Aside from a few holes which have some ugly ski equipment stashed along the sides of the fairway, the course is quite a spectacle.

The conditions:

Weather = 75
Wind = modest
Bugs = a plenty

The course is par 58 according to the scorecard. It is the only course i know with a Par 5 hole - a 545 foot straight uphill monster. There were 15 par 3, 2 par 4s, and the 1 par 5. As with most pay courses, it was well labeled and extremely well groomed.

It is also the only course I've played with a 700+ foot hole (Hole 18 - which has a spectacular view of a lake, the Minneapolis skyline, and, well - you can see forever).

Mark and I have been playing weekly since Madison. He has been beating me pretty regularly since he got some fancy plastic a month ago. I was 2-4 against him so far this year heading into today's round.

Mark decided to try out a brand new Wraith, which disappointed him greatly today. He has been throwing a Valk something fierce all summer though. And putting like a madman.

This was my first round testing out the "pro" putting style (though i had not had a chance to practice that style before the round). Overall, in this low 'n' sample of 1 round, I did find my long putts (30+ feet) to be much more on target -- almost all of them hitting metal (and none going in).

The front nine had 1 or 2 birdie holes, of which Mark nailed one. I was out in 32, he was out in 31. There were a couple blinds drives, and a few up some severe slopes of...well, I need Leonard to judge, but i would say just shy of 45 degrees (and there were some rough slopes off the fairway in excess of 50 degrees).

The back 9 proved more difficult, though it had the best holes. There were several pins precariously placed at the top of some woods which, unbeknownst to us, frequently had severe slopes if you overshot or rolled. I had one triple and one double on the back 9. Mark avoided triples and doubles (his two 5s were on a Par 5 and a Par 4).

There is perhaps the most beautiful hole I've ever played. Ander, who has played this course once, described it thusly: "A big hyzer drive, down onto a little plateau of a green that's covered by trees." Mark and I both jagged it with bogeys, but it was breathtaking.

In addition to gnats, endurance played a big role today -- the hills really give you a workout. We were both pumped at hole 18, though, in all its 710-foot glory. Straight downhill -- it turned out to be my only biridie of the day (a 3, it's designated as Par 4).

Final scores:

Mark: 68
Eric: 70

We'll definitely be tackling this beast again, with camera in hand...

The Stupidest Disc I Ever Bought

How long will it take me to lose a Beast patterned after an animal's natural camouflage??

Dumb.

S

Peru Disc Golf 2009 (post WILL contain an ace)

We arrive, bags loaded...

But let's go Big Picture first:

SIX ROUNDS: (2 Pieradise, 3 Honeybear Hollow, 1 Maconaquah)

Sean: 5 wins, 1 second place.
Mark: 1 win, 4 second place, 1 third.
Rob: 4 third (including a tie with Andy), 2 fourth
Andy: 1 second, 2 third (including a tie with Rob), 3 fourth

[Note these tallies (especially the 3, 4 positions might be one round off. I did not get round three (the initial Honey Hollow round) scorecard. Andy, Rob, Mark, do you have it? I know I won the round, but other places might up for grabs? This might be critical to Mark and Andy. Did Andy get second this round? We need the scorecard.)]

My big picture impressions:

Sean: Game is pretty sharp. AZ trip helped me. Need to work on putting. Missed many make-able short putts. Drives good, not great at this point. Driving accuracy pretty solid. Most of my scoring came on parking drives or mid-range discs for birdies. I did hit more trees than I would like. I need to hit less trees.

Mark: Game is sharp. Putting OK. Makes most every short putt. Like Sean, not many long-ass putts going down (though some--Sean made no long putts, period). Approaches very crisp, many runs at basket. Drives good, not great at this point. If Mark cuts out the low, short drives (worm-burners) his drive game is spot on.

Andy: Drive is good, often excellent. Forehand really improved. Seems Andy is adding a few tech skill-shots to his arsenal. Needs to crisp up the putting stroke. Andy loses strokes near the basket, not far out.

Rob: The drive is solid, but the hammer-throw (usually a lethal strength) a bit off. The long putt is damn near amazing. I'd say Rob made ten looong putts in 6 rounds. Impressive. Rob actually led at the turn (after 9 holes) in many rounds, but then would fade on the back 9.

OK, let's blog this thang...



Let's get some plastic, folks. This is Allen Pier's (a kind, wonderful disc golf advocate and owner of his own amazing course) pro shop. He has all kinds of sick discs, specialty items, weird plastic, stamps and crazy tourney discs and so on.

Wonder if anyone grabbed anything cool for Ander...? I guess he'll have to wait and see.

Round 1 of the Visit, Pieradise:

Mark is in the mother-fucking zone!!



(OK, not technically Pieradise [this is honey] but a shot of Mark's sweet follow-through)

I shit you not. He grabs the lead, keeps the lead, kisses all our sad selves goodbye. Mark is the star of this round.

Mark: +1 for the big win!
Sean: +6 for second place.
Rob: +7 right behind Sean.
Andy: + 9 right behind Rob and Sean.

What I Remember: Mark dominated. Very impressive round. Sean a bit nervous (I should know), hit trees, missed putts. Rob even at turn, then got a little loose. Andy with many bogies, but did throw in two birdies. Sean wiped out on hole 15, crumpling into a pile and grabbing his L knee after his drive. Mark almost killed a disc golfer on the same hole, as the dude walked right into our fairway as Mark let go his drive. Lots of action.

After the round, Sean is steaming inside so just gets quiet. He needs a beer. It is now after 12 (noon), so Sean is allowed to drink beer. He downs one, grabs three more and shoves them in his bag.

D golf tip: Ander showed me a new great beer for disc golf. Super light. Really hydrates and allows a buzz.

Round 2 of the Visit, Pieradise:

Get your popcorn ready. Showtime very soon.

Sean: +1 for the win.
Mark: +3 for second.
Rob: +7 for third.
Andy: + 9 (again) for third.

WIR: Well, I (sean) is blogging this, but whomever, I hope the highlight of the round is clear. See this hole? It is hole 12 of Pieradise. It is 230 feet, narrow drive, up a huge-ass embankment. Why am I standing on this tee pad smiling, holding up one finger?


From here...


To there!!

ACE ACE ACE ACE ACE ACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Having good pals as witnesses, very sweet. Thanks guys. Nuff said.

Round 3 of the Visit, Honey Hollow:

This is the mysterious lost scorecard. I know I won, and I think Mark mentioned he got 3rd here, with Andy 2nd. I could certainly be wrong. So as for scores, sorry.

Honey Hollow was, uh, insane. It is a campground and it is Memorial Day Weekend. Wow. The D golf was excellent, but the other D golfers? Again--wow.



(Irony alert. Honey H loves rules. Signs everywhere. But no one follows any rules here. It's like the rules are an affront to these people.)

WIR:

* Young girl on bicycle pedaling directly up our fairways. Her dad says, "How you guys doing?" Note the sign above concerning bikes on the course.
* Drunk woman leaves cooler at our T pad. I yell to her and she hikes back to get the cooler. Then, on her way back to her tee pad, she wipes out, much to the delight of her drunk boyfriend. They embrace in glee.
* People drive on us, once, twice, three times. Discs whip over our heads. Thunk through the trees above us. Clank off garbage cans and T pads. We do not hear the word "Fore." Two drunk guys show up and proclaim, "We are going to drive on top of everyone." OK. Great play, gentleman. I wish you un-well.
* We witness our first 12-some. Twelve players, one T pad. A whole lot of Miller Lite.
* Lots of bad tattoos.

Having said all of this, the disc golf was rad. Hammer time!



(Rob's patented hammer. Do not attempt at home.)

Round 4 of the Visit, Honey Hollow:

Sean: -6 for the win.
Mark: -1 for second.
Andy: +1 for third.
Rob: + 2 for fourth.

WIR: Our finest round of the day, as a group. I am beery now and so went way low. Mark goes under too. Rob and Andy battle it out with fine scores. We had star birdies in this round, many star pars. Good work guys.



Classic Honey Hollow shot. If Mark leans back, he will tumble to his death. Good save, Mark. Believe me, he made the putt.

Round 5 of the Visit, Honey Hollow:

Sean: -1 for the win.
Mark: +2 for second.
Rob: +4 for third.
Andy: + 7 for fourth.

WIR: We are pretty tired by this time, but Hollow is short (and very techy) so the arms are OK. I don't remember too much, except the course was more crowded, but with a more "good-natured" grouping of campers (I will not call them golfers here).


Andy drops it like it's hot. Big Honey Hollow downhill.

We head to the hotel. We rest (we're going to need it). We wake. We play...

Round 6 of the Visit, Maconaquah Park:

Sean: +6 for the win.
Mark: +9 for second.
Rob: +12 for third.
Andy: + 12 for third.

Did I mention the LONG tees were in today? Did I mention the water?



Oh, that's where my drive went.

WIR: I've never seen this course with these pins, and this is possibly the hardest course I have played (excluding the Lemmon Course in Tucson). EVERY shot was a challenge, with drives over water (often two creeks), elevation changes everywhere, and most every putt was on the side of a severe hill with baked dirt floor. We had discs roll 100 feet. We had people shooting 6s and 7s! We had many, many splash shots. Rob planted a drive over a tall fence and into a giant baseball field! Sweetness.

To sum up the course in these long pin placements, I will repeat what I said the whole round, "Oh man, I wish Ander could be here for this."

Hole 18 was a dream or maybe nightmare. Drive over water into landing area. Approach shot (turnover or forehand) over water into "green" of hillside rolling into creek. Every shot on the hole is thought-provoking, challenging, risk/reward, a tad crazy--a microcosm of the course.

WHAT A TRIP!

Thanks to Rob and Andy for driving down. All went well. Scores were low and high and low. I think the course beat us more than the other way, but some great disc golf all around.

See you jags in Mad Town soon.

S

Added bonus: Disc Golf in the /Oxford American/

Friends, if you care, here's the full text of an article I wrote about Bowers Park, one of my favorite disc golf courses, in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. It's coming out in the new issue of the Oxford American, which is a southern mass-market semi-literary magazine. It's their Best of the South issue. Of course you're obliged to include a paragraph on the rules of disc golf in any piece you write about it, which is kind of annoying. The actual published version is a little different in that they cut some stuff for space, which sucks.

*

ODE TO DISC GOLF
by Ander Monson

Drive into Bowers Park just off I-20/59 in Tuscaloosa, off the McFarland exit, and you will not be impressed: long expanses of grass, kids, dogs, beer, bugs, space, girls, sin, Frisbees, heat. You’ve been to parks before, right?

But be assured: This course, this disc golf course (not to be played with Frisbees, a brand of recreational disc made by Wham-O, but with discs designed specifically for disc golf, a different game by far; disc golf is to Frisbee as PGA Golf is to putt-putt) is a killer, probably not a good choice if you’ve never played this entirely kick-ass game before, if you like milk in your coffee, Zimas in the evening. If you’re new to all things disc, try George Ward park in Birmingham. Like Birmingham itself and the urban South, it’s more civilized, shiny, citified, ruined. Bowers Park, (unfortunately not named after poet Neal Bowers) is for the serious, the Marines, actual fans of the Chicago Cubs, the British Open, an easy war in Afghanistan. This is what defines disc golf: Bowers Park in Tuscaloosa circa 2003. So spin up the flux capacitor. Go to the dance. Don’t kiss your mother and steal her heart away.

Tuscaloosa is the site of several golf-related bests: The best mini-golf I’ve played in the South, Bama Mini Golf, with thirty-six holes, replete with sand traps and water hazards, no bullshit windmills or hokey obstacles in sight; the best and most half-assed ball golf course in the South, Mimosa Park, featuring long-horned bulls wandering confusedly around the fairways, basically unputtable “greens” cut into said fairways with weed-whackers, a thousand angry geese who nest off the shitty “greens” and attack all comers who might want to even try to putt inaccurately toward the hole, and a lot of drunken shirtless assholes—myself included—playing slowly and badly through the spring mornings, shanking balls out onto oncoming traffic on I-20/59, all for five dollars to play, as far as I can tell, as many holes as you like for as long as you like, including, but not limited to, forever). Something about Tuscaloosa gives rise to this shambling and essential loveliness. It is sadness. It is purgatory for real athletes. It is Richard Yates’s later years. It is where you learn to give up, or give in, and eat some ribs and become one with the earth.

But for disc golf, Bowers is essential. The first three holes are a first kiss. They stretch out in fields, easy, pleasing, visible, playable, among straight rows of pines, a tongue piercing, a promise.

But know this first before going: Wear long pants, no matter how hot it is. You might want a parka, poncho, a pack mule, a warrior penguin, or a Dungeon Master’s Screen to protect you. Get out of the car. Give up all hope, ye, etc. Bring some water. Maybe a couple beers. Bring a tank full of DEET. Probably a couple days of judicious napalm before playing would improve your score.

The rules for disc golf are the same as ball golf. You throw a shot, however you want: forehand, backhand, thumber, hammer, reverse hammer, turbo-putt, upside down, backwards. Your shot sucks and is punished. You throw your next shot from the location of your first shot (no more than 22 centimeters from the front of where your disc resides). This shot is also punished. You hit several trees. You end up deep in rough, or in water (penalty stroke for the latter, or for OB, or any unplayable lie). Eventually you putt into a chain-link basket rising up from the ground (or in odd cases suspended from tree limbs). Play all holes as par 3 or be mocked. Learn to love the double-bogey.

Even after they’d put in the baskets on the front nine and stakes to mark the location of the back nine holes and started to organize the chaos, the course was more theoretical than actual. Hole seven was simply a wall of trees with a basket on the other side. There was no fairway, no green, no place to throw your disc. It was like every battle scene in Lord of the Rings. It was ridiculous. Actionable. A welt on a model’s face. I purchased an axe from the slowest-shopping Super Wal-Mart I have ever seen, staffed entirely by amputees after 11P.M, and used it to cut down no less than forty trees to make a disc-sized path through the wall. I returned the axe to Wal-Mart, my arms limp, my fingers ringing with work. I was berated by the amputee at the returns desk for my weak arms, my haircut, and my northern accent.

I returned to the course to get in one more round. The next day I was harassed by locals for making the hole “playable.” This is the ethos of disc golf, ball golf, and maybe all things in the non-urban South. It is a DIY experience. It’s the early days of civilization. It is free. There are no beer carts. There are no pro shops. You make do. After the first three holes, the course goes like this: beautiful, interesting, diabolical, subtle, insane. The rough is poison ivy and other malicious plants I do not care to identify. The deep rough is impenetrable trees staffed by poisonous and ornery wildlife. Past the rough are the Swamps of Sadness from which discs do not return unless you are entirely righteous, which is not likely. One hole plays two hundred fifty feet along and across a creek perforated with gnarls of thorned bushes to rival jumping cholla, the Arizona cacti that move through the air to penetrate your arm and curl their spines like fishhooks or dreams into your body, seeking blood. If you put your disc in the water, it’s a penalty stroke and you might be injured going in to get it, not to mention the water moccasins. Yet, you will go and get it. You are a disc golfer.

Needless to say, the course is totally fucking great.

I played with my friends Ehling, Eliot, and Sean, other grad students at Alabama looking to vary our weekly punishments from workshop. Because of Bowers, I think of them as brothers. Ehling didn’t make it out, unfortunately. I still think of him when I hoist my KC Pro Roc ace disc that split in half on the third hole one winter morning (if you’re wondering, the rule is that you must play your next shot from the largest remaining piece of disc). I pour a little of my Bell’s Two Hearted Ale on the first tee of every round I play to remember him and the lack of good beer in Tuscaloosa.

The description of Bowers park in the Professional Disc Golf Association’s online course directory is “fun and challenging.”

Used condoms litter the rough, stretched out like snakeskins. Someone had some fun here before dying, or maybe they were raptured in the act. Broken glass and litter surround trash cans as if to say we understand the idea but reject it. Occasionally you’ll find teenagers having sex on blankets on the cart paths between holes, haloed by cheap beer and clouds of flies. Their bodies glisten in the little light that makes it through the trees. Do not disturb, taunt, or feed them.
Like your own teenage years, your round will be primal, confusing, a kind of ritual humiliation. It is good to know your limitations, you will find. These experiences build character, hair chest, fortitude, masculinity (even if you are not a man). You learn discretion, manners, how to retreat judiciously, how much to burn to the ground and when to burn it. Bowers will be your finishing school.

This course, this barely tamed forest, will not remember me. The nicks in the bark of the cottonwoods left by repeated application of discs at high speeds will vanish soon enough, the bark of the cottonwoods gnawed off by thousand-toothed night beasts, the small seeds shaken down from my discs’ impacts eaten by birds. If I died here, I would be so soon consumed that it would be as if I was never there at all, and I would haunt this place, particularly hole ten, forever, my clothes shreds, my welts bright and growing, glowing in the dark. So much do they pain me, my plaints weakening, as I plod on trying to get up and down for par.
Note: it is not possible.

You would do better to forget it. There is no par. There is no course. It exists only in memory, beautiful and unattainable.

The staff at the Books-a-Million a mile away did not recognize the name Flannery O’Connor when I asked them to direct me to her stories. That’s okay. Come down to Bowers park for an education. Pick up a couple Wal-Mart night employees on the way. I’ll bring the axes and the beer.